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"OH WATERS, TEEM WITH MEDICINE TO KEEP MY BODY SAFE FROM HARM, SO THAT I MAY LONG SEE THE SUN." - Rig Veda
Does it seem so unreasonable to request a little creativity in the nature of the coming apocalypse? Call me consumed with existential ennui, but it is a little tiresome for devotees of the deep weird to read about yet another prediction of an erstwhile messiah returning and judging us unfit, a comet sending us the way of the dinosaurs, pole shifts, tidal waves, earthquakes, demons loose on the earth, the occasional scientific accident creating a black hole that devours the planet, or igniting the atmosphere with nuclear detonations. How about putting a little effort into Armageddon? Plagues of locusts and rivers turning to blood are so 1st Century. Rampant jaguars and household appliances turning on us? Now we’re getting somewhere, but unfortunately, the details of the upcoming Mayan pre-Christmas apocalypse are a little fuzzy, and such things are merely modern accretions that were never discussed by actual Mayans. No monsters, no fire and brimstone, no natural disasters we can examine are involved in the end of the Mayan calendar, at least not according to the Mayans themselves. I won’t dwell on the Mayans since one can turn on the Discovery or History channel anytime in the next few days and be inundated with documentaries on the subject, replete with clinically fascinating interviews of crazy-haired “experts” discussing ancient aliens. Allow me to summarize. Boring. When envisioning an apocalypse, one hopes for at least an interesting cast of nefarious characters. Case in point – the Zoroastrian Apocalypse starring the serpent/dragon/general evil dude and snappy dresser Aži Dahāka.