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"OH WATERS, TEEM WITH MEDICINE TO KEEP MY BODY SAFE FROM HARM, SO THAT I MAY LONG SEE THE SUN." - Rig Veda
"Friday afternoon - girlfriend and I have skipped work - what to do?
Get really, really totally stoned and watch a blockbuster at the cinema! Yeah!
Cinema empty - brilliant.
Smoke more, chomp mushrooms - buy sweeties - have snog - feet up - film starts.
Two minutes pass. Door opens. Sheepish looking woman pokes her head around the corner and then leaves.
Thats is odd, thinks I.
5 minutes later she reappears, this time with approx 16 mentally handicapped teenagers.
All sit three rows behind us.
We resist the peurile urge to giggle and get back into the film forgetting about our neighbours.
All good until about 30 minutes into the film. In case anyone has not seen the film, a goat is staked out as bait for the T-Rex and the cinema is silent. Music begins to very slowly swell - tension mounts - on screen goat starts to bleat quietly.
So does one of the children behind us.
(Muffled giggles from us)
Music gets louder and tempo quickens, the goat (who is the best actor in the film) starts to bleat louder.
So does the bleating kid - and a few of his friends join in. 'Baaaaa' (we have hands over mouths, tears rolling down faces, kia-ora squirting out of nostrils - we do keep saying 'awwww' and 'it's not funny' which only leads to more laughter.)
Music louder - music faster - goat bleats more - kids all bleating now - music even louder - tempo racing - goat is bleating in a manic fashion. LOUDER - FASTER - BLEATING - BAAAA! LOUD!FAST! BAAAAAA!
All of a sudden the head of the T-Rex shoots into screen and snaps up the goat in one swoop.
The kids go - er...well mental is the best way to put it - screams, panic attacks, popcorn everywhere, crying, hair pulling, self harm, cries for mummy, rolling in the aisles - they are screamimng and running everwhere. The woman in charge is crying and trying to round them all up, but they are in flight mode, heading out of exits, into toilets, trying to hide under seats etc.
Meanwhile myself and gilrfriend are doing our bests not asphyxiate due to the fact that we are so spaced we are unsure what is and is not real, or what to do, or say to anyone.
The story ends with the police helping round up the missing kids, the woman who brought the poor kids to see the film being picked up to no doubt find she is fired, manager closing the theatre to clean up the mess.
And best of all - we got a refund and 5 free tickets each! Hooray."